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Love Is Ever Ready

by Laura Phoenix Power

Often, the best relationships in life are not anticipated. They follow their own timeline and are woven by their own intentions. Intuitively, they deliver exactly what we need to grow, love and thrive. 

We cannot imagine how these people will come into our lives, but once we see them on the horizon, we know. The heart delights, “Ah, yes, there you are!” Then, fluidity of all good love begins. Love is the start of everything worthy and what we all wish for at the end. It’s the answer to what, how, why and sometimes when.

Love is the most famous author with infinite definitions that share universal truths.

When we are open-hearted the mastery, power and beauty of love is always within reach. Love will guide you, heart first across a crowded room. Love will send chills throughout your core, filling your cells with bliss along the way. Love expands your heart, often revealing a deeper sense of self-understanding and self-love.  Love begets love and extends to those in your lives, inspiring connectivity, creating bonds and new friendships. Love builds community. Love is the fulcrum of our soul's balance and the home base we return to when we stumble on our path.

Love will inspire big plans although love knows, love has always known, plans do not define commitment or loyalty.

Because real love, is ever ready for the unplanned.

It relies not upon perfunctory execution of expectations but instead real love relies on adaptability to the unexpected & the willingness to be open beyond our own line of sight. This is the love that sustains & nourishes. This is the love that lifts you, holds you and inspires you. 

This is the real-deal love, ever ready for the unexpected it is open hearted & courageously vulnerable.

Go out, find this love, claim it, nourish it and be forever in it.  Let this feeling fill all the spaces within your soul, let it take permanent residence in your heart so it is easily found when you need it most. Come back to it often and share it always.

Laura Phoenix Power © all rights reserved, 2017

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Reclamation

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*originally published in The Urban Howl ~ Reclaiming My Undeniable, Irreplaceable, Gorgeous Self-Worth                                                                                                                                                                                                  

by Laura Phoenix Power

I have survived and lived beyond many traumas. I was a survivor. Eventually I wanted more, I wanted a wholehearted life. It was then that I found my way back to the worth I was born with and reclaimed it.

I am more than my survival, it alone does not define me. What I am is a woman who has never stopped moving forward. I believe more in the beauty of humanity than the horrors of those who operate with malice. Some of my life’s darkest days happened before I was eight years old. Because I was so young, these traumas implanted deeply into my self definition and cast me into the role of victim for many years.

Subsequently, I lived in fear, shame and angst. I made life decisions and chose lovers from a deeply wounded space within my heart. Each relationship eventually ended as I grew beyond the scope of its maturity. The healthy, hope filled facets of my soul would enter each relationship with an open heart. And like any abused kid, I was hopeful that this time, this time it would be different. But it was the less healthy, damaged facets of my soul that vetted my suitors.

(Snapshot of my dating life — an open heart with murky, cracked, distorted filters.)

If I created a flow chart of my lovers past, it would reveal the evolutionary path of my trauma and the subsequent evisceration of my innocence and childhood. From teenaged years throughout my adulthood, I recreated every abusive event within my relationships, sometimes more than once if I was unable to integrate the lesson. My healing work was sporadic, at times moving with depth and purpose and other times half-hearted in effort.

For many years, I hid these truths in their entirety from myself and everyone in my life. It was simply too painful to admit because admission required reliving the experiences. The last thing I wanted to feel again, was the terror and disgust from these disempowering experiences.

I have been beaten by fists, dragged by my hair and kicked. I have been threatened, raped, drugged and given away. I have been abused by words and by silence. And each time, I have wanted to die.

But guess what.
I did not die.

There has always been something within me that was bigger than the trauma, an unrelenting attraction to health.

I recognized health in other people and other families around me. I always found healthy friends who came from healthy families, many of whom took me in, fed me, nurtured me and made sure I went to school. They treated me as one of their own kids and I will forever be indebted to their generosity and compassion.

Still, there was a part of me that was too broken to attract healthy partners. This was rooted in the damage from the ongoing sexual abuse I endured from my step-father. There were few nights where I slept in peace and felt safe. And many mornings I woke up hating myself – hating my physical beauty, hating the sound of my voice which betrayed me in silence during the abuse, hating my heart for being fearful. Everything that was being done to me, I believed was my fault.

This is what pedophiles do to a child’s mind. It is the ultimate gas lighting.

The shame and pain of it all crushed my soul and the healing was difficult. As an adult, I’d begin to heal enough to settle the emotional storm within and then I'd stop the work. This was usually about the time I’d begin a new love relationship and a couple more years would evaporate without any healing. This was my partner paradigm for decades.

Because I was never fully whole, I never attracted a partner that was fully whole. And eventually I would leave the relationship to find what was missing.

In the core of my heart, I always knew there was something I needed to find, something that would require the heavy lifting work of healing beyond my previous limitations. I knew it would take shifting my approach from merely settling the emotional turbulence. I knew it was time to walk into the epicenter of the storm.

To navigate the convergence of recognizing my full worth and my shame driven tendencies to deny disturbing truths, I found help from an intuitive coach and healer. I was fortunate to find this person for my healing work and the outcome has changed my life in ways I’d never thought possible. When I met her, I was at the familiar place I’d been to many times before. I was braced for the pain and looking for the quick exit for when I needed to retreat. The difference was that this time I was the mother of two beautiful daughters.

There was no room for me to back out, raising them required a whole woman. I understood that I couldn’t fully protect my own kids until I healed the kid within myself.  I believe this to be the most powerful way to end the cycle of abuse that is typically passed down from one generation to the next. I saw in my kids what I’d been searching for my entire adult life. The “thing” that was missing which I could never identify — self-worth. I knew I could not teach them how to recognize, value and protect their own worth until I’d recognized and reclaimed my worth.

My own worth. The worth that was stripped away by the violent and heartless actions of others. The worth that awaited my return to claim and own it. The worth I worked hard to uncover and integrate. The worth I now proudly possess.

I’m grateful for my soul’s unrelenting movement towards health and growth. Now, I no longer use precious energy wishing that my life had been less lonely, terrifying or unpredictable. I’ve long outgrown self comparison to other women as the default gauge of my own worth. Seeing other families, who show up and share their lives in multigenerational bonds no longer triggers a painful longing within my soul.

Because now, I am whole. All that was taken before fully realized at such a young age has been claimed and restored to its rightful owner.

Now, I am exactly the person I was born to be, giving voice to my truth and wholeheartedly manifesting my life's purpose.

Giving a voice to my truth has empowered me to become a healthy woman and a wise mother. To reveal the light I created out of the beastly darkness has released me from its emotional stranglehold. I am no longer the keeper of anyone’s nasty secrets. Secrets perpetuate shame and diminish the capacity for self-worth.

Sadly, statistics are that one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused by the time they are eighteen. The vast majority go unreported and these kids grow into wounded adults who never understand why they are hurting. I hope the words I’m sharing will offer encouragement to anyone reading who may be carrying the pain of childhood sexual abuse. Healing is possible and you are worthy of all good health and love.

Expressing my truth beyond the scope of close friends brings such peace to my heart. This hard earned peace and reclaimed worth fills me with a mighty purpose far beyond myself and my personal history.

In knowing my worth I have uncovered my purpose. I am a warrior of wholehearted words and truths.

This is my story which I freely share to encourage those who may need support to trust their voice and to honor their own story. I want help others extract the thorns of shame, express their truths so that they too, may step fully into themselves and know their undeniable, irreplaceable, gorgeous worth.

Two years ago, I physically returned to the place where I was abused and stood upon the beach where my childhood innocence was erased. The sound of the ocean took me back to my nights of terror. It was the sound of the waves lovingly held my soul while the worst was being done to my body. It was the ocean that saved me.

On the day of my return I swam out, went under water and raged. I allowed years of toxic, repressed anger to be fully acknowledged and properly expressed. I collected all the pieces of my exhausted inner child who escaped to the water, held her and thanked her for never fully believing she was only worth the way she was treated by others. And in doing so, I released her from her survival mode and took control of our future. It was a powerful part of my healing and restoration.

I reclaimed what was mine all along — my undeniable, irreplaceable, gorgeous worth.

This is beyond survival, beyond hiding, beyond temporary fixes — this is wholehearted, empowered, self-loving, joyous living.

Now, my soul is satisfied.

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Why I Love Being A Single, Single Mom: Single And Alone is Not The Same As Being Lonely

Originally Published on THE URBAN HOWL October 7, 2016

 

By: Laura Phoenix Power

It’s not because I don’t believe in the beauty and power of love.                                                  

It’s not because I am bitter, frigid or otherwise unwelcoming.                                                      

It’s not because I lost all capacity to feel love, trust love or open my heart to another.                  

It’s not because I am afraid of another relationship not working out.                                          

It’s not because I am unlovable, difficult, self-righteous, possessive or petty.

What I am is my own person.

I am empowered beyond generic societal perspectives or filters used to define what makes a woman whole or worthy.

I am balanced upon my self constructed fulcrum and don’t need to lean on “the one” for emotional stability.

I am standing tall in the forest of my own dreams which I weave into my daily existence.

I am worthy of all love imaginable and the freedom to experience that love on my own damn terms.

I am beautifully flawed and proudly wave my own freak flag that heralds my failures and victories.

I am my own wellspring of humor, health and happiness.

I am at home in my aloneness and do not need the company of others to validate my existence.

I am the one who creates my happiness and self fulfillment.

I am enough.

As a Mom, every choice I make models womanhood and imparts impressions to my kids. I want my daughters to live more, love more and reach for more than I’ve lived. With all the love and fortitude within my heart, I work to set the standards high by loving myself fiercely, embracing my independence and living my dreams freely. And every time I fail, fall or plunge into the sand traps of fear, they see me pick myself up and chart the steps ahead. 

I am modeling the greatest love story of all to my daughters: self-love. 

This alone fills my heart and nourishes my soul. It illuminates and clarifies the distinction between the convoluted paths of extrinsic pressures and the authentic paths of intrinsic truths. 

I have fallen deeply in love with this moment as a single, single mom and the gifts of self understanding it has brought. And I love the message being modeled for my daughters:

True happiness is to be, know and love yourself.

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I March For You Because I Am You

Originally Published in THE URBAN HOWL January 19, 2017

 

by: Laura Phoenix Power

I march for the time your soul was stung by your family’s rejection, I am you.

I march for the time your vagina was violently grabbed by a stranger on a sidewalk, I am you.

I march for the time you were teased for being too black or too white, I am you.

I march for the time your dialect or your family’s dialect was mocked, I am you.

I march for the time you got a bloody lip delivered by your teenaged boyfriend’s fist, I am you.

I march for the time you were being strangled by a stranger before fighting to escape, I am you.

I march for the time you chose an abortion in order to save your life, I am you.

I march for the time you sacrificed to obtain an education, I am you.

I march for the time kids look at you to define a woman’s worth, I am you.

I march for the time broken adults raped you and decimated your childhood innocence, I am you.

I march for the time he looks at your breasts instead of you face during conversation, I am you.

I march for the time your ability was dismissed because of your gender, I am you.

I march for the time you needed the freedom to reject or select a religion, I am you.

I march for the time missed with your kids because you work endless hours to afford healthcare, I am you.

I march for the time, “NICE ASS” was hissed out of a car driving by, I am you.

I march for the time in college you realized upon awakening you’d been drugged the night before, I am you.

I march for the time you were told, “Shut the fuck up and know you place, bitch, ” I am you.

I march for the time you remained silent, paralyzed by fear for yourself or your family, I am you.

I march for the time you grew strong and walked away from unhealthy people, I am you.

I march for the strength, faith and hope needed to fight injustice, I march for you.

I march for those without equality, dignity and peace, I march for you.

I march for those who are not able, ready or strong, I march for you. 

I will always march for you.

 

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What I model for my minis.

Every success, every step I take, every rule I break, all the paths I create, all the times I fail, falter and throw myself into a Scarlet O'Hara heap of tears, all the times I pick myself up and forge ahead; my kids are always watching. These moments are being stored on their emotional hard drives to be retrieved later in their lives. Hopefully, through all the failures and victories, they are learning how to stand on their own with acceptance, grace and self-love. Hopefully, the will walk into their adult lives knowing, being and trusting their own, unique inner voice. 

These are the dreams held within my heart for them both.

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A Moment Worthy Of Love

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A Moment Worthy Of Love

It was not about telling them of our pain, our loss and the decision to end our relationship as a couple. 

The moment was about confirming that uneasy feeling they had within their hearts by revealing the truth. 

The moment was about informing them of the intention to heal our family.

The moment was about reassuring them that as individuals, we were an unwavering foundation of love and support.

At no point in the conversation with our kids did I mention the word divorce. I did tell them we would no longer going be husband and wife and that eventually, we would not share the same living space. 

That was enough. 

Dropping the legal term divorce into their minds felt like a harsh dose of redundancy. They already knew because they had lived thru the unraveling. 

What they needed to hear was that they would have the love, support and attention of both parents. Kids want to be connected to both parents and should not feel like loving one is a betrayal of the other.  This conflict of loyalties inserts seedlings of self-doubt and self-loathing.

The intention of affirming continuity of love and the acceptance of their relationship with each parent as having value was what inspired me to write An Expression Of Love. 

My book is written for the moment when you tell your kids about the end of your relationship as a couple and the beginning of your relationship as co-parents. 

It is a moment that will always be remembered.

It is a moment worthy of expressing love.

 

                    

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Keep Your Lights On!

Too many people lower their vibration to ease the self-doubt of others. This never lifts anyone, it only shuts us all down. We should all proudly shine our lights, confident there is enough space in the universe for us all to shine!

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Doing & Being

As I drove my daughters to school yesterday I felt deeply sentimental about their new school year, the rapid passing of time and the gift of their growth. It was a bittersweet ride to school. Years past, the car overflowed beyond containment with chatter and music. Yesterday it was piercingly silent. Each kid had their earbuds in, listening to their own music, processing their unique journey into the new school year ahead. Rather than listening to what my kids call, "that 70's stuff" on the radio, I relaxed into the silence and thought about the previous nine first days of school. Memories of how they felt, what they wore and what we sang in the car moved through my heart and mind like a skipping stone. 

I was reminded to look beyond the daily tasks and being in the weeds. I was reminded to lift my heart and head to see the patterns being created by them.

They are creating their own beautiful and unique universe. I'm the fortunate reporter on the scene, keeping track of the memories.

My heart is so full.

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An Exfoliated Heart Feels More Love

Recently, my heart was exfoliated. After it was scrubbed, years of cellular debris from past loves and woes fell away, clearing the exterior of my heart. A healthy new layer emerged and for the first time ever, I was able to feel love without hesitation. Though the relationship was not meant to last, the experience opened the vault doors and emancipated my heart. Awash in light and love, my heart became fearless of being fully open to love and it grew in many ways.

The right love can leave your heart in better shape than it was found, even if it’s not your forever love.

Sometimes a love comes along, sweeping every bit of you into the fold of what feels like the flow of forever. Breathlessly, your everything glides along. Your spirit dances to the beat of melodic bliss because in that exact moment, you are in tune with the very definition of what you believe love to be. Your head is dizzy from the pace of unrelenting wit in conversation, and the insightful connectivity you’ve found. Even your skin tingles and glows from the happiness in your heart. All feels perfect in your universe. Because, finally. 

Finally, it has happened to you, the type of love you’ve witnessed but never experienced. The that love flows into your cells in the precise way you were born to be loved. This love inherently knows and speaks the very unique language of you. No words fully encompass or define it; you can’t verbalize it to others, and you really don’t need to. They see it all around you and how you seemingly walk above the earth floating, beaming and loving.

Why in the world would you choose to release this love of all loves?

In an unexpected moment, you catch a glimpse through the portal into your tomorrow and it does not include this person. “But-but-but,” stammers your heart. “Well, maybe there’s an explanation,” states your brain. The only part of you that has clear perspective is your soul. It knows. Your soul always knows. This is where your inner compass is housed, where all receptors of truth are wired, and where there is no room for fiction. 

You begin to reconcile the discrepancies between this treasured love and the need to continue on your individual path. Because now, you’re heart is wide open. Once you’ve opened all the never-before-opened doors to be fully present and feel this love this deeply, it is impossible to close them. This new expansion requires more space than your previous heart could contain. You realize that you will never fit in the previous version of yourself, just like a fully bloomed flower will never shrink back into its own seed.

How is it then, that this love which completely illuminates the protected vault within your core, this love that has hurtled your heart forth towards its boldest expression, be the same love you must release?   

Realizing that I’d co-created this love was an essential piece to my understanding. In my fear of never feeling love this deeply again, I limited my perspective to what was brought into the relationship and held it tightly. It seemed impossible to release until I took a step away and expanded the scope of my perspective. I began to see my own contributions to creating the space and building the foundation for that love to exist. I then understood that I was the architect, with the knowledge to construct anew when I was ready. 

Once I realized that personal evolution had attracted this beautiful experience, that I’d played the largest role in bringing wholehearted love into my life, there was nothing left to question. The love simply needed to be released, its gifts to be upcycled into my tomorrow. I let it wash out to sea along with my attachment to the person. Tandem rides made for two halves won’t fit where I’m headed. Previously, I’d searched for someone to share the journey, believing we needed to be on the exact same course. However, I now know this: 

My course is chartered for one whole person. It is built for one me, one heart, one love ~ my ever present, enduring self-love. 

My next relationship will flow on the same wavelength with a person who has carefully chartered their own course. One who nurtures their own soul with an ever present, enduring self-love.

Two wholehearted courses, self-navigated and self-sustained, interwoven by mutual love and choice rather then need or fear. I am ready.

I have no regret for the time devoted or love shared and received from the love I’ve released. To date, this was the greatest love of my life. This love exfoliated my heart, rehabilitated and revived my ability to receive love into every cell of my being. This was the love that gently sanded away the years of cellular growth I tightly held to insulate myself from loss and hurt. 

I too have been released, no longer confined to my own fear of intimacy. 

I am grateful for all the days and ways my heart was exfoliated and healed. I rejoice in the feelings never before experienced and that I have perspective on what I can co-create and share with another. 

What is on my horizon is even bigger than I can imagine. I feel it in the air all around me. Sails are lifting, and my heart is buzzing with anticipation.  In its new, transparent, penetrable veneer my heart is ready for the love it deserves. Because, finally. 

Finally, it has happened.

 

Laura Phoenix Power                                                                                                                                                                © all rights reserved, 2016                                                                                                                                                           

 

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