A kaleidoscopic range of emotions tumble throughout my heart on this Mother’s day. In one moment I am overflowing with gratitude for the two beautiful souls I am parenting. In another moment I am alone in the bathroom, sobbing into my towel and praying for Spirit to hold me close. In the moment of tears, guilt wedges itself into my mind insisting that I am ungrateful for what I have, the love of my children. And in the moment of gratitude, my inner child is there asking not to be forgotten because she also needs my attention.
The juxtaposition of these two Mothering spaces is nothing new to me, however some days are more highly triggered than others.
What is it that keeps pulling me in both directions and at what point is the parenting of my wounded inner child complete? These queries have weighted my mind today, as I balance my past with our present seeking to prevent emotional triggers from anchoring the steps of the here-and-now moments of my life.
I've always held the deep belief that I must feel it to heal it. Our society would have us believe that mindset keeps us trapped in the past or makes us weak in some way. But if you mask the symptoms they never subside and instead will manifest in other forms to find their expression. Because pain, whether emotional or physical will not be silenced. Just think about the process of pulling a muscle, it hurts until we address the source of the pain and rehabilitate the wounded area. It’s a time consuming process designed to heal and strengthen.
Emotional rehabilitation requires the same devotion. And like a physical injury, we don’t get to choose when the injuries occur or when to take time out of life to feel, deal and heal. We can delay those steps, but if we aspire to wholehearted living and unlimited joy we eventually run out of ways to avoid dealing with what needs to be healed. The desire to simply let go of the past is not enough to make the past release its hold on your heart. When we begin to reconcile the pain of the past with the needs of the present, we are on the precipice of moving ahead in a healthy wholehearted manner. And once those wounds are healed we can fully release that which no longer fits who we are. Releasing pain which is honored and healed is the only way to truly move forward.
The lighter the load the more joyous the road.
I have a choice in the moments of tears and anguish. I can allow the feelings to flow or shut them down. After years of shutting them down, dancing with, through and beyond the myriad of manifestations, I know there’s only one route to take. It is the path of feeling and healing which creates the space for my personal expansion. In this space I can revel in the latitudes of gratitude without dishonoring my story. This is where I am living in a wholehearted manner and I am mothering as an empowered woman.
Today I choose to feel, and express the emotions when they present themselves, because I know this approach holds the genuine space for gratitude and unlimited joy.
There are moments when I am triggered into my own childhood which was devoid of maternal nurturing or protection. As I think about my children’s needs for compassion, guidance and unconditional love, it is inconceivable to me that I never had this experience in my own childhood. As a small child and teenager I had to create emotional bypasses to transport myself to through life and into adulthood. So much energy devoted to keeping the proverbial “chin up” negated any innocence or childhood. Exposure to various elements of emotional destruction constantly eroded my sense of safety and belonging in the world. I became a fearless survivor fueled by fortitude alone. Motherhood has awakened me from the survival mode.
I work to reclaim and redefine that imprint because I know I am worthy of love.
Motherhood is also teaching me to relinquish expectations I place upon myself to be like other people because I am not like anyone else. I have my own story, I OWN my story. I have no expectations upon my children to be anything other than who they are and who they will grow to become as adults. I only want them to have my guidance, my love and to know I’ll always have their back on the days when inner fortitude alone is not enough.
Because that’s what a Mom should do, and can do when she is whole and knows how to love herself. Loving and mothering my inner child to make my adult self whole, and gratitude for the love of my children, are the two forces that pull my heart. Balancing the two is my responsibility and my greatest Mother’s day gift.
Motherhood made me want to live my life rather than survive it. Motherhood has taught me how to love myself.
Each day I am grateful to have the opportunity to parent them from the wellspring of intuition and love deep within my core. I am grateful to my daughters, for all the ways they teach me how to love and my unbounded joy in mothering their future.
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